Review: Game of Thrones S1-7; S-8 Predictions

Spoilers, obviously. Forewarnings: I am unfamiliar with every theory and prophecy and don’t go in search for them. I accidentally read a theory that Cersei will be the one to light that green fuse and Jaime will strangle her then get killed in the aftermath—so boring, lame. I purposely avoided reading theories after that I was so disappointed.

We’re eyeballs deep into the Ides of March and March Madness and I’ve finished watching Game of Thrones back-to-back. Yes, that means I watched the entire series then started again at the beginning. 67 episodes squared*. I know🙄. I ended the second rewatch just as Mueller appears to have exited the Trump-Russia-Republican collusion and obstruction investigation without indicting the primary perpetrators of the crimes—the illegitimate venal president and his grotesque family remain dragging us into authoritarianism—lovely; and, the UK has prolonged its death—err, its Brexit deadline by a few more weeks. This does not include the cataclysmic fate of our planet due to climate change and how we’re all watching these calamities play out in front of us in real time on social media. I know🙄😩.

I don’t like series finales. I never find them satisfying enough. They always leave me with an empty feeling, like I’ve said my final goodbyes to friends that I’ll never see or hear from again. It’s all quite depressing on top of all this other stuff going on.

Like the current state of affairs, I have predictions for Game of Thrones. And like Lost, everyone will probably die in the end. Seriously😱😳😈. Okay, not everyone, but most everyone. Kings Landing will become another Valyria. That ending seems apropos given our current state of affairs whether in the US or UK. I expect the falling of an empire is something we’ll need to study and create entertainment around as we watch the UK and the US fail and fizzle around us in such melodramatic fashion. I imagine this is what George had in mind when he wrote this series. Although, I’m pretty sure he didn’t think any of us would be around to witness it firsthand in such dark comedic surrealistic imbecility.

Like in some outlandish sequences of the bizarre and grim (sounds vaguely familiar and current, doesn’t it?), the Night King—a symbol of all that’s noxious—will sit on the iron throne and Cersei will become the Night Queen sitting next to him after Arya kills her in some tortuously exhilarating vengeful way that makes us, as women, feel gratified and demoralized at the same time. Cersei—the white woman that lost everything to accede to power—becomes ever paranoid of the forces fighting to subdue her which eventually leads to her own demise. So, sure, Arya gets her revenge but at what cost? And Cersei gets her throne but at what cost? The Army of the Dead will wipe out a majority of the population. We’ll then see Bran hop back and forth in a perpetual see-saw of timeline reconstructions, like an unending timeloop of “all this happened before and all this will happen again” history is cyclical and rhymes sort of thing; Bran is all Brans; the doom lingers ad nauseum. No one but the Night King and his soulless ghouls win—the symbolization that power corrupts. Yes, this does sound all too familiar. I’m unsure this will be the actual ending to this series—positive it won’t be—but it sure feels like it ought to be.

Okay, enough about those trivialities. Onto more important conclusions and perspectives.

Here’s the thing and apparently a very unpopular thing: I love Daenerys and I love Jon, but not romantically coupled. They have absolutely no chemistry whatsoever together. It’s like watching bread mold it’s so uninspiring and cringeworthy. Maybe this nonexistent chemistry will magically appear in these last few episodes like those mythical giant ice spiders, but I doubt it. Ironically enough, former half-bro/half-sis now cousins Jon and Sansa have more chemistry; Brienne and Jaime (I do so want to see them bone); Arya and Gendry (fighting, fucking, and killing their way around Bravos and the world would be a hella show); not Dany and Jon sadly, which is upsetting since the entire series is A Song of Ice and Fire and about them specifically.

My fanfiction-like hope is for a Jon-Sansa parallel love story—unlikely—much like Jon’s parents Rhaegar and Lyanna. Jon and Sansa’s baby would become the princess that was promised who would eventually come back and save Westeros and the world from the Night King and Queen. Sansa, Arya, Bran, Sam, Gilly, Gendry, and Brienne escape to the south or digs in up north. Alas, Jon, Dany, and everyone else dies tragically and sure, perhaps heroically for some. Others, like the Red Witch, I want to see die screaming and writhing in pain (Poor Shireen).

That scenario will be as likely to play out as a happily ever after ending, which I would find very disappointing and not very George-like.

One of the many predictable and likely scenarios is that Dany will end up on the Iron Throne pregnant because all us women are broodmares in male showrunner’s eyes🙄; and Sansa will be wardeness of the north; Jon will die tragically and heroically saving all from something ridiculously banal. It’s also likely that Jon will live and choose honor over love or vice versa and…well, I could go on, I won’t. I’m tired of theorizing the many scenarios and would like simply to be satisfactorily entertained with this fantasy instead of the horror playing out in real time around us.

If history and experience tell us anything about this show, it’s that they’ve already told us what’s gonna happen wittingly in some shameless degree; and beware of those prophecies that they continually drop like acid: “Prophecy will bite your prick off everytime.” Speaking of which: Was this prophecy misinterpreted and mangled to mean Aegon/Jon instead of his great-grandpa? Or is it great-great-grandpa? 🤔 “The drowned god will rise up and destroy Aegon the Conqueror.” That would be a scene to behold; throw in a kraken and those notoriously mythical giant ice spiders Old Nan told Bran in season one and we’ve got ourselves a real fantasy, eh? But, you know, prophecy-biting-pricks and all—so, who knows.

As with any show, I have criticisms and so many regrets. S7-2 Stormborn: All those glorious women around the Dragonstone table and the male creators chose to either kill or enslave them? Yes, well, valar morghulis, bitches “You’re a dragon, be a dragon” must only apply to one out of every seven of us women, if that. We’ll see what happens with the remaining. Male showrunners killing off women and misogyny in general seem to be the underlying theme these past degenerative five years. I’m all for valar morghulis-be a dragon, girls; sound like a plan?

Nothing in Game of Thrones—or any show—sent me into such a quandary as the High Sparrow-Cersei plot. I’ve never felt such paradoxical schadenfreude and fury when Cersei was taken into custody by those infuriating zealots. Fury triumphed. I was practically gleeful when Cersei blew up the sept. If not for losing the Tyrells and Tommen’s leap of faith, I was elated those zealot nutters got what they deserved.

Not so for the Sand Snakes. Unlike popular opinion, I liked them. Methinks there was some ugly racism and misogyny behind the hate towards them.

The most traumatizing scenes: beheaded Ned; the Red Wedding; the filleting of Jon Snow; Shireen burns; Oberyn gets squished like a grape; powerful pious sparrows (aka the US equivalent of Christian Evangelicals if they get their way); all the rapes—so much raping; Rickon not zig-zagging; Shay in Tywin Lannister’s bed; Tywin Lannister taking a dump; Hold the door; Viserion’s ice-picked death plunge; all the dead dire wolves; Samwell’s icky fated Citadel spectacle that will never ever make me want to eat chicken pot pie again🤢; “Shame. Shame.”; and Dany and Jon rolling around in bed like a couple of potatoes😖.

My favorite scenes: Arya and Ned laughing at Sansa’s self-own slander against her beloved Joffrey; Tyrion schools Jon on privilege; Ghost threatens a bully; Dany makes Drogo her bitch; Viserys gets a golden crown; Khalessi becomes the mother of dragons; Enter Brienne of Tarth; Enter Bronn; Enter Gendry; Enter Jaqen H’ghar; the Battle of Blackwater Bay; Podrick saves Tyrion; the evolution of Sansa, Arya, Jon, Dany, Jaime, & Theon; Privileged daddy’s boy Jamie gives a hand; Jaime & Brienne expose all; Dany & the female gaze along with Michiel Huisman’s Daario Naharis & his ass; Joffrey chokes on words & wine; Tyrion confesses; “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”; “Hardhome”; Jon & Sansa reunion & all the subsequent Jon/Sansa scenes; Cersei’s sept revenge; Tommen’s leap of faith; Dany meets her gift; the Dany/Tyrion & Dany/Jorah Mormont partnerships; Jorah Mormont/Tyrion road trip; the Smoking Sea and the ruins of Old Valyria-Drogon scene; “The Dance of Dragons”; Dany schools Khal Moro & his bloodriders on just who she is; the “Battle of the Bastards”; Sansa gets her revenge; all things Olenna; girlpower ‘be a dragon’ strategizes at Dragonstone; Olenna’s confession to Jaime; Jon & Tyrion’s reunion walk to Dragonstone; the meeting of ice & fire; Yara Greyjoy & Ellaria Sand duo; “The Spoils of War”; “Beyond the Wall”; “The Dragon and the Wolf”.

*Addendum: This was meant to be a facetious over-representation of minutes felt watching instead of a literal mathematical reading of actual minutes watched. Clearly, my obscure Easter egg humor was lost somewhere in that extra thousand of minutes probably along with my mind and patience. Additionally, if you have an exhaustive eye-rolling time watching some of the ridiculousness of this story play out like I do, please read this Atlantic article by Christopher Orr where he pretty much puts into words what I was too exhausted to. As celebrated as GOT is, I would never ever call it excellent. 😬Hardly.

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